it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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