Just fell off a train. Bad.
no, he came in my armpit
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
