I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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