I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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