Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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