yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
