I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
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