I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
