That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize