That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
