sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
