Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
