they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Your dad touched me again.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
