i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
