Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
