The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
