Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
