people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
