Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
