I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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