Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My penis needs a shock collar
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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