So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
