If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
