So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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