Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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