I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
