just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
