fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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