some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
