If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
