She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
