some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
