I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize