hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
