No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
