eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
