Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
