when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
