I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
