when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
