omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
