I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
