It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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