Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
