You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
