dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
