He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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