If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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