you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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