can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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