It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
