On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
