Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
