Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
