Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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