I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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