....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
