He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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