I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
