I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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