i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
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